I Was Medicating My Anxiety Before I Even Knew I Had It

I didn't know what anxiety was. I just knew wine helped

Just after my 40th birthday, following a pretty disastrous girls’ trip to Ibiza (a story for another time), I went to the doctor and cried for 10 minutes straight.

But it all started long before that.

When you look back and piece it together, it’s clear that my relationship with alcohol - using it to manage uncomfortable feelings, confidence and stress - began in my teens. At 15 it was fun and rebellious. I’d been labelled the black sheep of the family and naturally people tend to live up to those names. I’d started drinking at a house party before graduating to the local town and pubs and clubs - it was easy to get fake ID back then.

The problem was, from this moment I simply wasn’t learning any other way to cope.

I used to play the flute and once auditioned for the county wind band. I was so nervous I was in tears beforehand - so it comes as no surprise that it went badly and I didn’t get in. I was devastated. Looking back, that was anxiety. I just didn’t have a name for it yet.

Behind the smiles and goofing around was someone who was not coping

At university, the physical signs really started to show. I couldn’t leave the house without going to the toilet several times (hello, IBS - which stuck around for about 20 years). I began having a drink before going anywhere, just to “calm my nerves.” I also came out in a rash all over my body, which the university doctor confidently diagnosed as crabs. Needless to say, the lotion she prescribed did not do the trick.

But it wasn’t until I turned 40 that I finally asked for help.

I started taking Sertraline and a huge fog lifted almost immediately. I loved it - loved how it quietened the noise in my head. But I was still drinking, so I never really felt the full benefit. I carried on taking it for five years regardless.

When I got sober in February 2023, I began to feel a sense of calm and contentment I don’t think I’d ever known. But then, that summer - on an all-inclusive in Kos, blue skies every single day - I noticed I wasn’t feeling much joy in things I normally would. Something was still off.

I called the doctor again, and she suggested I might be perimenopausal. WTAF. I wasn’t getting night sweats, so how could that be me? She sent over a link to an HRT leaflet and left me to it. I also read Davina McCall’s Menopausing and cried with relief. This is me, I thought.

The brain fog lifted. The joy came back.

And then my mum’s brain tumour returned. It was terminal - we’d known this was coming - but watching her deteriorate over those months was awful.

By January we knew she didn’t have long, so I started seeing a therapist. When my therapist took a break over Easter (by which point Mum had died), I decided to restart Sertraline and let my GP know.

I’d been feeling tired and flat for a while when I spoke to my GP a couple of weeks ago. I called hoping to simply increase my HRT dose, but after talking it through, we decided I’d taper off the Sertraline first and see how I felt.

Since halving my 50mg dose, some of the feelings I used to run from have started to resurface. But the difference is I’m so much stronger now, and far better equipped to sit with them.

I’ve been thinking about my mum a lot. She’s been coming to me in dreams, which has only happened once or twice in the two years since she died.

I’m snapping a little more than usual. But honestly? I think that’s normal. And so what if I do.

One thing I know for sure is that if I was still drinking, I would not be in a position to even consider coming off my medication.

If you do think you’re a middle lane drinker and need support stopping drinking, please do drop me a line. You will find this helps in so many ways.

Please note, I am not a medical professional and I can only speak of my experiences taking Sertraline.